Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I took the typical 20 year old lifestyle route. Going to university for something I don't even know I want to be, going out on the weekends drinking till the wee hours of the day, hooking up, etc. I don't care for that lifestyle, it's not me that's for sure. Right now though it seems like it would have been the easier way.
My boyfriends' oldest is being a typical teenager and dealing with an attitude problem. I know she's not my kid, logically she couldn't even be either, but I love her all the same. She is a part of my life and it hurts me seeing her this way. She's not acting the same way as the girl who hugged me a billion times at Christmas cause she hadn't seen me in 2 weeks. It wasn't long ago that I was her age and when I see the conversation her and her dad are having it gets me thinking about my own relationship with my parents. Kinda like seeing the other side 6 years later.
Sure I was a pretty darn good kid. Never smoked, never tried drugs, never drank (was the D.D. at every party I attended) but I did do modifications to my body without permission (piercings and a tattoo), nothing big but the only reason why I got away with it is cause I didn't go down the path that everyone else seemed to be going down. I still have never done the things I've mentioned and I'm gosh darn proud of it.
For the past year/2 years I've started to want to be treated as an adult and not as a child anymore. This was viewed as "I never got to make my own choices" at our counseling sessions. Which I now see after the fact, I actually got to make a lot of my own decisions as I grew up. It's just now that I am doing as I've been taught and the people who taught me this are now against it. So they are being hypocrites more or less. Which frustrated me and made a huge mess that didn't need to be had. I was called a liar and was said that I bullshitted at the sessions by my own mom. How can you recover from that? I have talked to her a few times after that but I know it's just back to the way it was where we keep certain things quiet and as they sit and stir, one day something will be said and the fights will start again. I don't want that, but how can you work on it when the other party, still after going to counseling and learning how to conflict properly, doesn't want to.
So as I was saying.... I know that my outbursts towards my mom have really hurt her (no matter how small they are compared to other things I could be into). I do see and have apologized to her but again it doesn't seem to change anything. Can you apologize time and time again and get no where? Seems like it. So what do I do? I don't like fights no matter how little or stupid they are hence why I try to avoid them. It takes some coaxing for me to get my feelings out. I'm a lot better at writing things out then saying them. Trying to speak is kinda hard when I'm an emotional person and I cry as a release. I also don't care for keeping things bottled up inside, things need to be talked about or else it's just gonna grow and grow into an even bigger problem. Where am I going with this? I don't remember anymore. Ha ha! Just blurting out what's popping up in my mind.
I think too much, but then again I wouldn't be me then would I? ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment