Bruised knee

So I got called into work today at the rink. First time on skates again since about October. I still need a little work on warm ups and stick handling. (Have a small bruise on my knee cause I hit the ice too hard when doing warm ups) Ha ha! I did Pre-school Learn To Skate and Hockey Tips For Tots. It's been quite a few years since I've done coaching. My boss K. asked me afterwards what I thought about it. I said it was interesting but good and told him about my little struggle. He said that we can go on a little bit beforehand and work on my skills. I may take him up on his offer later on. I really just like to work on that stuff alone cause then I don't feel so embarrassed. :P

Nothing else really. Make a big to do list today, so I ran around and did some errands. T. and I have haircut appointments on Friday. Kinda sucks that I'm growing my hair out cause I'd like to do something totally different. Hopefully just one more year and then it's where I want it to be.

On a totally different note, I am really in the mood to color lately. I'd go outside and photograph but it's SO cold out. So I want to go to the Dollarstore and pick up a coloring book either tomorrow or the day after. *sighs* Oh to be a kid again. :)

9 months

Message from my boy:

"I love you more everyday....I know you're frustrated, and mad, and fed up and I took you away from a job and friends and brought you to nothing and you still haven't left me......you're awesome and good things are coming your way fast"

I love you with all my heart.

What I Like About You

So D. was never able to make it. Roads are just too bad so he ended up staying at a hotel in Regina. It sucks but I'm glad he tried to make the effort.

Just finished talking to my mom on Skype. That was an interesting experience. Best part was being able to see and hear my sister. Will talk again, maybe tomorrow. They don't have anywhere to go because school is cancelled. (My mom works as an educational assistant in the middle school, the same one that T.'s son attends actually). Fancy that hey? ;)

So right now T. is playing a video game and I'm on the computer. I don't want to bring it up but I may have to.

V-day.

I have NEVER done anything special on the day and don't know if I want to this year. I know I'm not buying anything (it's all his money anyways ha ha) but I may do or make something. I have a couple of ideas in my head, but again, don't know if I really want to "celebrate" it. I know he loves me and I love him. We tell and show each other that everyday, not just on that ONE day. Yes it's cute but it's also a way for companies just to make more money. I think I've said before that we sent his girls and my sister Valentine's presents, but that's different. They are 5 and 6, and that is just a nice surprise for them. *sighs* We will see I guess, still have over 2 weeks to think about it.

T. also posted something called "Answer me this..."

Here it is:

"Something that has been on my mind lately....it comes from shows like Extreme Makeover Home Edition, The Buried Life, The Bucket List.....there's nothing more that I'd like than to do something to change someones life....to randomly stop and help someone when they least expect it...and expect nothing in return....someone saw my 4x4 the other day, and asked if I could drive and pick up his wife who had been at work for 3 hours waiting for a taxi...took me 10 mins...they were greatful and asked if I would take a couple dollars....I said no, to be honest I got more out of showing off how my Jeep plows through snow than any couple dollars would have done....and it meant they could spend their evening, home safe and warm....I often talk about me dream job involving hockey, or a hockey team but in all honesty, I'd love to have the money and freedom to get in my Jeep, drive across the country and stop and help.....with the expectations of nothing in return but seeing a smile on someone's face knowing you made a difference in their lives....which brings me to the title of this....Answer me this....what's one thing that would make a difference in your life?? Don't give the the lottery win answer or three wishes garbage, I'm serious and I want you to think about what you have....and post a comment on here and tell me what's one thing that would make a difference in your life....."

Like... how can you not like a guy like that? Who thinks this way? People do but it's rare for them to act on it as well. I also like that I introduced some of this to T. (TBL, writing his own Bucket List) and he soaks it in. As you may know I have posted my Bucket List as well. I'm still thinking of adding more to it but more importantly I'd like to cross off some of those things.

Oh and here are some blogs I really like at the moment:

http://sickwithlove.wordpress.com/

http://ontheflume.blogspot.com/

http://wewillnevergrowup.blogspot.com/

http://notebookdoodles.blogspot.com/

Alright I think I'm done for the night. Good night!

Sleepless

I had a great idea to start selling my photography on Etsy, but alas you need a credit card. I need to jump on that I'm thinking. I don't like the thought of having a credit card, interest rates scare me. It would have been a nice way to get some extra cash. I'm so scared that we won't be able to find a place to live next month and we need to badly! I'm trying to stay positive, I really am but it's hard. I'm not religious and hate that I only ask on him when I'm in desperate need. That's not how it's supposed to go.

I can't sleep. I have so much running through my head. I just started reading this girls blog. So inspirational! A person I wish I was.

http://ontheflume.blogspot.com/.

Go ahead and take a look. I assure you, you won't be sorry.

T. is sleeping. He looks so precious when he's sleeping. We all do, like little angels.

(btw: photo below is not him, it's from weheartit.com)

Ramble

We just got a lot of snow here and the roads are covered in ice. Speaking of ice, I'm watching figure skating on tv at the moment. I used to figure skate and coached skating as well. This was back in 1997(ish) - 2004. I do miss it but if I went back I wouldn't get any farther than when I quit. I don't even know who the people are anymore that compete. I do though, still remember most of the names of the jumps, spin, dances, etc. Crazy. Ha ha!

D. is on his way here from Lethbridge. He's such a trooper. The roads are so bad yet he's still coming. T. told him that if it's too bad and just come tomorrow. I'm okay with that. I'd rather have my friend here in one piece than stuck in a ditch. If he does get here it will be really late at night.

So... on a totally different topic, T. out of the blue asked me why I didn't just dye my hair myself. I have been dyeing it red for 2 years now (love the color and so does everyone else it seems) and I've never, ever done it myself. I always got a professional to do it because I don't trust myself. Plus the color seems to always be off (a friend in high school used to do her own and I didn't care for it). I may end up doing it myself though, I'm getting tired of seeing a light brownish red and dirty blonde roots. I also need to get my hair cut as well, it's just hanging straight. It needs some body to it. The big thing though is, I really like the experience of going to the salon and coming out looking all foxy. ;) It's relaxing and rejuvenating.

Also I have such a huge to do list, I really need to keep striking things off my list. Right now though I'm focused on hoping and praying that D. is safe.

"If It Means A Lot To You" (song by A Day To Remember)

So here it is:

The magazine job is coming up to 'busy season' so I should be starting to take photos for them soon. I got a second job! It's at the same rink T. works at. I'm a skating instructor for an hour on Thursday and 2 hours on Saturday plus involved in camps as well. I'm getting paid $15/hr which is nice since it's kinda sparse work. I'm teaching 3 - 7 year olds how to skate and stop pretty much. Doing some hockey stuff as well, like how to skate with full equipment and holding a stick. I'm so pumped for this job. It goes back to what I did as a volunteer when I was young and now I get to help kids skate again and get paid for it! Ha ha! I have a meeting tomorrow at 3pm with the woman who I contacted about the job and the Programs Coordinator. I'm starting this Saturday! How awesome is that to start right away! :)

So I applied to volunteer at Saskatoon Community Youth Arts Programming Inc. as a graphic designer. Right now I just finished editing some photos of artwork that has been stored on an external hard drive that no one has time for at the moment. Will be helping with logos, signs, pretty much anything that is involved with computers. So I can drop by there whenever it suits me which is really nice. Gives me something to do when I'm not at either one of my jobs.

I received a big scrap booking kit (over 3000 pieces) from J. so I have my hands full! It's all the same theme of course but I can put whatever I want in there, so ha! :P It came with the book, pages, cutouts, stickers, etc. plus she also bought me extra supplies. It all was cheap for her cause she gets a discount (she works there) plus the extras were only 10 cents! Like holy cow! You go the craft stores and you end up paying a couple bucks for the same stuff. Only things I need now are fancy pens and photos.

Just got my sister and T.'s two youngest daughters Valentine's Day presents (pencils, notepad, stickers and a card) and are gonna send it to them soon. I always liked receiving surprises presents from my aunt on Valentine's Day and Halloween. I'm not even telling my mom about it cause I want it to be a nice surprise. T. actually got the idea. So glad he suggested it! :)

My friend from back in Manitoba D. is coming out on Sunday! Only for a day or so though but that's okay with me. At least he is going to be stopping in. It will be nice to go out for coffee and have our talks again. Don't know how much time I'll have to show him around Saskatoon. :/ Have to hit some hot spots. Will be a nice refresher that's for sure.

Oh T.'s ex wife changed her email address and her last name back to her maiden name on Facebook. HA HA! Soooooo glad she doesn't have L-----y at the end anymore. That's mine! :P (Okay maybe you didn't giggle at it but I did)

So that's pretty much it. Have lots on my to do list for tomorrow so I better start winding down. Will post again soon!

I love him, even in his paper thin sweats ;)

Sorry about the last post. I'm over my little slump I think for now. ;)

I don't wanna say too much in this one because I kinda wanna do one big uber post. I will give you the topics though that I'm gonna be talking about:

- A present I received from my boyfriend's mom

- Possible 2nd job

- Volunteer work

- V-day thoughts

- Facebook giggles (according to me anyways lol)

- Maybe some more things if I want...

;) Will have to wait and see.

My headache isn't getting any better.

So one of my good friends from back home is going on a road trip and coming here! I think this is a boost that I needed. I need someone to snap me back into my place. Fire a light up my butt.

My boyfriend has enough on his mind right now what with his job, money, daughter's attitude, etc. and I feel he'd be annoyed with my whining. I've done too much of that around him already. Yes I can tell him anything and everything, but lately... I don't feel as love-y dove-y. It's only been almost 9 months, is the "reality" part of it starting to settle in? Or am I just looking for things to fight about cause I'm lacking attention? (cause I have no social life at the moment)

Honestly, I have no idea.

:-)

The response I received today regarding volunteer work:

"Hi, thank you very much for your interest in SCYAP and of course your generous offer. Let's try to chat tomorrow afternoon or evening. If you get the chance please give me a call here at ***-**** sometime after 330 pm. I should be here all evening and into the night as well. ............. Looking forward to chatting soon..........thanks again."

I'm so glad that I can go out and do something that will help others. That's all I really want to do. To do something that will make others happy and feel better about themselves.

Can you do that even if you, yourself aren't 100%? You'd be faking it then, I hate being fake, but sometimes I guess you have to put on a happy face so that others around you are happy. That's what you want though right? But can all that hiding cause sadness build up and eat you from the inside out? Oh goodness, there goes my mind running off again. Better stop before I get too intense. :P

Haiti

So unless you have been living under a rock you would know that Haiti has gotten hit with a massive earthquake.

There are updates constantly if you want to follow what is happening.

Here are some quick facts about the incident:

• USGS called it the strongest earthquake since 1770 in what is now Haiti

• The quake struck on January 12, 2010 at 4:53 p.m.

• The 7.0 magnitude quake's epicenter hit just 10 miles west of Porte-au-Prince and its 2 million inhabitants

• 3 million people in need of emergency aid after major earthquake

• The major quake sent 33 aftershocks ranging in magnitude from 4.2 to 5.9

• The Red Cross dispatched a relief team from Geneva and the UN's World Food Program is flying in two planes with emergency food aid.

• The Inter-American Development Bank said it was immediately approving a $200,000 grant for emergency aid.

• Some 9,000 peacekeepers have been in Haiti since 2004, including 1,266 Brazilians.

• Haiti has no real construction standards.

• November 2008: Following the collapse of a school in Petionville, the mayor of Port-au-Prince estimated about 60% of buildings were shoddily built and unsafe in normal circumstances.

I, like most people, don't have money to send so please at least spread the word.

http://www.google.com/relief/haitiearthquake/

It's times like this where you can see that there is still good in the world. After such a tragedy people are getting up and going out there to help. I wish I could do that, I look up and respect those people so much.

I bow my head and fold my hands.

Late night chatter up in the attic

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I took the typical 20 year old lifestyle route. Going to university for something I don't even know I want to be, going out on the weekends drinking till the wee hours of the day, hooking up, etc. I don't care for that lifestyle, it's not me that's for sure. Right now though it seems like it would have been the easier way.

My boyfriends' oldest is being a typical teenager and dealing with an attitude problem. I know she's not my kid, logically she couldn't even be either, but I love her all the same. She is a part of my life and it hurts me seeing her this way. She's not acting the same way as the girl who hugged me a billion times at Christmas cause she hadn't seen me in 2 weeks. It wasn't long ago that I was her age and when I see the conversation her and her dad are having it gets me thinking about my own relationship with my parents. Kinda like seeing the other side 6 years later.

Sure I was a pretty darn good kid. Never smoked, never tried drugs, never drank (was the D.D. at every party I attended) but I did do modifications to my body without permission (piercings and a tattoo), nothing big but the only reason why I got away with it is cause I didn't go down the path that everyone else seemed to be going down. I still have never done the things I've mentioned and I'm gosh darn proud of it.

For the past year/2 years I've started to want to be treated as an adult and not as a child anymore. This was viewed as "I never got to make my own choices" at our counseling sessions. Which I now see after the fact, I actually got to make a lot of my own decisions as I grew up. It's just now that I am doing as I've been taught and the people who taught me this are now against it. So they are being hypocrites more or less. Which frustrated me and made a huge mess that didn't need to be had. I was called a liar and was said that I bullshitted at the sessions by my own mom. How can you recover from that? I have talked to her a few times after that but I know it's just back to the way it was where we keep certain things quiet and as they sit and stir, one day something will be said and the fights will start again. I don't want that, but how can you work on it when the other party, still after going to counseling and learning how to conflict properly, doesn't want to.

So as I was saying.... I know that my outbursts towards my mom have really hurt her (no matter how small they are compared to other things I could be into). I do see and have apologized to her but again it doesn't seem to change anything. Can you apologize time and time again and get no where? Seems like it. So what do I do? I don't like fights no matter how little or stupid they are hence why I try to avoid them. It takes some coaxing for me to get my feelings out. I'm a lot better at writing things out then saying them. Trying to speak is kinda hard when I'm an emotional person and I cry as a release. I also don't care for keeping things bottled up inside, things need to be talked about or else it's just gonna grow and grow into an even bigger problem. Where am I going with this? I don't remember anymore. Ha ha! Just blurting out what's popping up in my mind.

I think too much, but then again I wouldn't be me then would I? ;)

Job searching/Volunteering

I don't understand why it's so hard to find a job. There are many places looking and I'm for sure qualified. So why am I not getting a job? It can't be the interview, I don't even get up to that part. I look on job sites, they say to email them your resume or to fill out their application, which I do and then hear nothing back.

Have you ever had trouble finding a job?

So I have decided to do some volunteer work to occupy my days. I have emailed the Saskatoon Community Youth Arts Programming (SCYAP) Inc. regarding graphic design and the Saskatchewan Association for the Rehabilitation of the Brain Injured for arts and crafts. I'm wondering if maybe not getting a job has to do with pushing me in a different direction. I will embrace this direction, but it kind of hurts us financially. What with trying to buy a place and bring the kids here and all.

Have you done any volunteer work? If not, what would you do/which organization would you want to volunteer for?

Tarot readings

So I found some tarot cards that my future mother in law possesses. They are 'Aquarian Tarot' cards and I'm a Virgo so when I did a reading for myself it didn't make any sense. Which is understandable. She also gave me a book about tarot reading. So I'm going to look further into it yet.

I don't fully believe in the supernatural, black magic, psychics and such but I do find it fascinating. I also have books about palm reading and dream meanings that I picked up from a library book sale last year. They are in storage at the moment so when we move into our place then I can look into that further as well.

Anything you are interested in that some people may find weird?

Daily inspiration

Things/people that inspire me everyday:

- My boyfriend and his kids

- My sister (love you so much Munchkin)

- My sista 'Sunshine' from anotha mista

- My friends back in Manitoba

- Holly Neufled / Jenna Fehr

- Red Velvet Art / Elsie Flannigan

- weheartit

- Etsy

- Flickr / DeviantArt

- Bookstores (Indigo / McNally)

- Craft stores (Michaels)

What/who brings you inspiration?

My Bucket List

Thought I'd share my Bucket List with you so you can see what I would like to accomplish in my lifetime. Maybe we have some goals in common and could do them together! :)

1. Meet Kianni/Sunshine (my friend in Florida)

2. Meet Sylvester Stallone

3. Meet Theo Fleury

4. Meet Beth/Hunny Bear (my friend in Ontario)

5. Visit Caroline (my second cousin who lives in Ontario as well)

6. Play piano again

7. Learn guitar

8. Learn drums

9. Learn to snowboard

10. Learn to wakeboard

11. Learn to surf

12. Learn to skateboard

13. Learn about Greek Mythology

14. Go to Philly and run the steps (if you've seen Rocky you know what I'm talking about)

15. Go on a USA road trip

16. Kiss in the snowfall

17. Kiss in the rain

18. Get my own place

19. Learn American Sing Language

20. Learn Spanish

21. Learn Finnish (My grandmother's family on my mom's side is from Finland)

22. Learn Chinese

23. Travel to London

24. Travel to Paris

25. Travel to Rome

26. Travel to Greece

27. Travel to Japan

28. Get 'Break Free' tattoo

29. Get more tattoos (especially one for my sister)

30. Learn more of my heritage

31. Write a book

32. Get book published

33. Go skydiving

34. Go bungee jumping

35. Learn to sing

36. Make a short film

37. Learn more about sports

38. Learn to kickbox

39. Go skinny dipping

40. Go streaking

41. Win a contest

42. Stage dive at a concert

43. Do something big for my mom, dad and sister

44. Work at a coffee shop

45. Support small businesses

46. Learn to cook

47. Eat healthier

48. Listen to a greater variety of music

49. Read a wider variety of books

50. Let go of the past

51. Try sushi

52. Try tofu

53. Learn to sew

54. Learn to knit/crochet

55. Learn to draw

56. Learn to paint

57. Make a difference

58. Help at a youth centre

59. Help at a soup kitchen

60. Make my home feel like home

61. Stop swearing

62. Improve my writing skills

63. Be in two places at once

64. Purchase brass knuckles

65. Get firearms license

66. Purchase a handgun

67. Shot at a shooting range

68. Donate blood

69. Be a healthy weight (goal is 130lbs.)

70. Get my motorcycle license

71. Purchase a sports bike

72. Learn to palm read

73. Learn about dream meanings

74. Learn how to play poker

75. Go to a casino

76. Learn to control my temper (I'm getting better)

77. Go to a rave

78. Be a supportive wife, mom and friend

79. Grow a garden

80. Go on a late night walk with someone special

81. See the ocean during a storm

82. Go to the beach and see the sun rise and set in the same 24 hours

83. Learn to play pool

84. take part in a marathon

85. Be happy with everything I do

86. Own a telescope

87. Learn about astronomy

88. Have a library like Bell in 'Beauty and the Beast'

89. Go paint balling

90. Recycle more and use more eco-friendly products

91. Spend more time with friends and family

92. Complete photo projects

93. Make donating to 'Operation Christmas Child' a holiday tradition

94. Learn to fix a motor

95. Own a snowmobile

96. Be on the radio

97. Get a polaroid camera

98. Wish upon a shooting star

99. Stop having suicidal thoughts

100. Graduate college

101. get rook pierced

102. Work for a photographer or in a studio

103. Help someone do something on their list

104. Be with someone who loves me for me

105. Love someone with everything I've got

106. Attend Winter X Games

107. Attend Summer X Games

108. Donate to charity

109. Own my own studio/gallery

110. Spray paint something on a bridge

111. Have a song dedicated to me

112. Do yoga

113. Write cards to people I care about

114. Learn to whistle

115. Give golf a chance

116. Own all Rambo movies

117. Own all Rocky movies

118. Go to Taste Of Chaos

119. Go to Warped Tour

120. Get married

121. Work at a bookstore

122. Donate Beanie Babies

123. Learn to break dance

and that's it for now. ;)

A new start

So I've decided to started a new personal blog. I have had about 3 of them in the past but a certain person found out about them and accused me of being a liar, which is not true. I couldn't just stop blogging though. I deleted 2 out of the 3 blogs and have not stopped thinking about starting up another one. I have this feeling I need to express myself over the internet, even if no one reads it. You may know who I am but it's quite alright if you don't. So I guess I will tell you some actual facts about myself:

I'm twenty years of age.

I live in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love to death.

I have a pet fish.

All I ever wanted is to be is an artist when I got older.

I would love to play music (drums, guitar, sing...), knit, crochet, sew, paint, write, read, and photograph every day. (Only thing I know how to do is photography)

I'm addicted to weheartit.com and etsy.com.

I have one sibling, a sister who is fourteen years and 11 months younger than me and I love her with all my heart.

I am way too hard on myself. Way too hard.

I have the best support system anyone could ask for.

I'm in love with 4 wonderful young'ns who have taught me so much about life.

I have many 'quirks'.

I need to start thinking positive, which is also why I wanted to start this blog. To give myself a place to spill out my creativeness, to show you what inspires me, etc.

Thank you for reading.